tough tough life

" don't behave the same way because simply you can do better"

it's just so hard to not behave the same when it comes to injustice you know.

When being treated unfairly, can u just shut up and not say anything? when people punch you in your face because you've got an ugly face, can u just walk away and pretend that nothing had happened? or when you constantly get blamed on everything when you're just doing your part of house chores while your brother and sisters did none of it and still get the credits. Can u just keep quiet and continue doing it? When people backstab you for no reason at all, can you just stay low and let them be?

When it's totally not your fault at all but you get all the blames, and the worst part of this is that you have to resist your cursing, swearing, foul words that u really want to spit it out. just because you want to be better. simply because you know yourself that you are better.

Maybe sometimes this is just your life. you've gotta admit it and drop it. Do your part and forget everything else. In another way of phrasing it is that walk away from these fights/quarells. Pretend that it's nothing even when people just shove it up in front of your face.

Be a coward, a goodie girl. even when everyone else are against you. Walk away and let them be?

sigh. sometimes i just hope that i'm not better so i can do whatever i want.
Curse all i want, but i just can't. because i'm a christian and i can do better than this.

and guess this is what makes life tough huh?

imperfectness disgust me

I don't know if it's right to feel this way.

but i feel like i'm just not good enough

Look at them man, so much different than us.
they're so much better, so much responsible, and so much more of everythin.
Look at me, i'm just a piece of over-confident mess-ed up person.

Sometimes i just wanna stop myself from growing up.
things are so much better when we're kids
so much simpler, happier and naive.

July

this month, july
it's just not the same me anymore
It will never stay the same.

How influencing some words can be huh?
all i want to do is this one thing.
I just want to prove them. that i CAN.
i really can.

is it that hard?
Is it wrong to be confident?
is it wrong that i believe everything is possible?
is it wrong to insist on something i want?
is all these defined as an arrogant person?

i just want what i want, i DO listen to others.
i just don't like to limit myself or
listen to what people say especially when they say "impossible" or "can't be done"
so is all these defined as arrogant? or "chuan"?


How can i live to not please others but at the same time change to be a better person.
what does it takes to be a 'better' person?
Changing to a better person, means pleasing people isn't it?
it's so hard to live sometimes.
People will just keep judgin and judging and they'll never stop.
What happened to 'no one is perfect'?

See? so many doubts now.
i guess i just can't be the same old confident me anymore.

A mystique post

Maybe i do tend to be hard on myself, especially on things like this..
But turns out, we did a fine job.
Not very good but it was our best.
can't describe how much i'm proud of them and also partly guilty that i literally almost gave up.. :(

Definitely something i would never do again next time..
#likeascout

confidence no more.

I always thought that everything can be done when i want it to be done,but this time i failed. People would probably say all this are just some pussy crying for some pussy thing. and honestly, it's just a small thing.
but yet a SIMPLE thing, i can't do it well.

If she's not a great leader, what does that makes me? I'm doing my part, but not good enough. Never felt this disapointed on myself before, basically because i never failed doing anything. For those who know me, i'm that kind of person that believe anything is possible. If you just put your heart into that "anything" and practice makes perfect.

It doesn't.

and i don't like people telling me what i can't do, so i would prove them wrong. but this time, i didn't just failed to do so, but it's even worse than i expected. At time like this, i just felt like quitting. Hoping i fall sick and fell down or whatsoever so i'm unable to continue this fucking thing

Guess things just doesn't work like this. we still have got to put up this show. For now, I can't believe i have to say that, i failed and i don't know if we can make it. You can call me kia su, but yeah. i can't accept failure. i don't know if i can come back up again just like i use to last time. the last time i post something in this blog.

They're right. we suck and that's it.

what goes around, comes back around

What goes around, comes back around. says Justin Timberlake.

He's right, some feelings are meant to stay forever.

sigh, and it really sucks, it still hurts. Sometimes i felt like i can't hold this any longer, i can't keep it to myself no more. But, i don't want to let people know, i don't want to make them think i'm weak because i'm not. So i rather post it in blog and assume that no one will check it. It is somehow a relieve after spitting it all out in a post, this is the only way so that's the reason why my blog is so freaking emotional. This is like the weak side of me, and it is definitely disgusting. To me at least.

How i wish i could have someone to listen to me sometimes. I have someone but maybe I just don't want them to think I'm weak but this makes me alone i suppose. Like seriously, i never cried infront of a friend before, except that one senior.

Somehow i felt like she knows that i'm not okay, she don't even need to ask me am i okay. Only by eye contact, i know she understands me and i can't help but cry. For the first time in my life, i cried infront of someone, whom is not that close to me. but that definitely felt great. but disgusting as well.

p/s, I'm not a lesbian by the way. I PURELY LIKE GUYS. :) purely. and i have ex-es hahaha. (just to prove u know.. yeah.. so...)

Anyway..

Seriously, i'm not emo-ing. Just "what goes around, comes back around". This feeling will never go away. never, it comes ocassionally when things happen especially and sums it all up to tear me apart. Then after that, i'll be okay again and that feeling comes back again and then i'll be okay again. and this whole shit continue to circle around my life. SIGH. okay i'm cool now. :)) least, for now.

I'm not fragile like that. hell yeah. :)))))))

i did my pmr. i got 7a.
 i tried to prove you guys something
 it all doesn't matter to you guys anyway
 all you guys care is your own business
 you're nothing like the family i had in school 
cause.
No one cares, no one wants to understand even though i want to
 You don't even bother how hard i tried.
 how much i did to prove this something.
 and for once in my life say, "michelle, i'm proud of you."

blank page

staring on a blank page on this essay named "dare to dream"
For the first time in my life, i've no idea on what lies in my future. what's going to happen.
When i was younger, i used to know my dream and i used to believe.
now... i felt like i was just living in fantasy, in my own world, being naive and ridiculously stupid.
Maybe it's time for me to come back to reality. the real world.
and stop day dreaming.

Even if i got a good result for spm, then i got into a good college and universiti. What's next?
Which road i'm going to choose?

Hopefully i have the guts to really write down what i really want to be in the future.
and actually really Dare to dream.
but i don't.. even i do, it's unachievable.
I just know. i'm aint that cute and naive anymore.

reality vs dream

Been knocked down by reality too often lately.
Never gonna dream anymore.
Sigh. Life's cruel.

Should'nt be so naive.

Please be nicer 2012.
Please.
Its just the second month.

fuck this shit.

Sigh..

Temptation from ukulele

I promise myself to study at least one hour per day starting on 2012

it's an aim for me so i could reach my target (asean scholarship)

it's sort of my new year resolution but i guess i failed. :(

sigh, being distracted by entertainment again.

ukulele is now my favourite music instrument (eventhough i haven't buy it yet)

UKULELE HERE I COME.

and a game called tetris.

sigh, can't stop playing it.

i'll pledge allegiance to tetris batttle, that i'll stop playing when i reach rank 23.

When someone tell you that they're sorry, do they really mean it?

or they just said it to made you continue to be friends/ love them?

to make you believe that they will change, and they're really guilty about that?

or is it just plain lies?

i'm really fed up of this.

i don't like to hate people. i don't

i just dislike what they did and still love/like them.

and right now, i dislike what you do.

If you still have heart,

please.

stop it.

i'm really sick of it.