jealousy kills? or motivates?

first day of march

wow can you believe it.

time is actually faster when you're no longer in high school

you roam around and bam.

Anywayz, today's not another depressing day (depressing enough for me to come here and revive this site)

p/s: i know probably no one i know / or don't know is looking at the screen at my post.

i'm not even famous + perks of bloggin once in a year + whatever + improve my language



But yea i'm here to talk about one of the sad part of being me

a one-year-older brother, two younger sisters is probably what some of the kids wished for.

not me.

as they say " only miss the snow when it starts to snow, only know you love her when you let her go"

but the thought of me having to spend the rest of my life

depending.

relying.

being the most bestest friends

to my brother . is. just..... ughhh



Don't get me wrong.

i don't think i really hate him as much.

after all, he bought me a guitar.


SEE, thats the problem

(first world problem- don't judge - wait - let me finish the story)

You see.

me and my mother and all my sisters were never really taken serious by my brother and dad

we were known of being "dumb blondes" since we were born.

somehow.

its in our genes.

yup, its my mother's fault.

but she's the real deal.

Although at times i pity her for being treated as one dumb blonde but sure as hell i would join in the rest to criticize her whatever she does.

because. WHATEVER she does has NO POINT. AT ALL.

all she do/say + every words that come out from her mouth is completely useless

and never fails to piss people off.

That is why sometimes i also wish dad had a divorce so he wouldn't suffer the consequences of his choice.

but then again. thank god he loved her. (so i get to be born -another dumb blonde kid)

p/s i still love her.

Anyway, this is the main story.

As i grow older, i tend to be so so so (secretly) competitive with my brother.

Everyone likes him.

Everyone prefers him.

Almost whatever he does seem so wise, mature, nice, not-selfish, reliable.

Him being that. so likeable and vulnerable to the family.

makes me feel rather. jealous.

Part of me thinks he's a hypocrite

and as i grow up i find that true.

but as i grow even older .

somehow after his national service.

i'm starting to actually/ literally think he's nice and i respect my family's choice of him as the better kid.


But.

there's always a but.

at times, he's always this asshole who thinks because he's that kid.

the attitude's there.

the cocky. think-im-the-wisest attitude IS there.



example,

when i first learned to drive in his accompany (tutor)

i actually didn't know i had to stick to the left lane.

(OKAY) i know yes thats why i say the "dumb blonde" gene is in me.

and we came back to home after the "tutor"

every words that came out of his mouth is pure humiliation.

pure insults.

pure criticism.

complete words that someone would say to make them seem a lot better at it.

just because he is A YEAR OLDER.

he have drove for a year.

he knows it slightly better than me

and simply just cause my parents were there



There it goes.

with every other similar opinions and comments from the rest of the family

after what the favourite kid said.



So yup.

Since 12

never have i ever tried so hard to be a better person

because i wanted to be respected.

i want to be taken seriously.

i don't want to be a dumb blonde like my mother.

i tried in terms of doing the house works.

>succeeded in being the best house cleaner kid

yet.

not being appreciated.



Since then,

every single time simply a cup that is left over at night that i've forgotten to wash

my fault.

every single cup that my brother happened to somehow have the mood to wash ONE (okay maybe 2) cup(s)

his quality personality.

sometimes i think maybe its because i happen to not have a dick

and it's common sense what a female should do. - housework.





So i tried harder in other terms - studies.

I studied hard.

for every big test that's in my way.

i've sworn to myself that no matter what i have to have a better results than his'.

and so i did.

6As for upsr, 7As for pmr. and hopefully 6As for spm or more.

and to think my brother only had 3/4 As for both tests

yet still mine wasn't impressive enough




I still never gave up.

even though i know somehow

absolute nothing i can do to be a better kid than my bro.

born a dumb blonde. had mother's gene. mother's look

so right now i am rather just cooping with the life that i destined to have

and at the same time

be a better someone.

just for myself.

because one day,

when no one in the kang family is impressed like how they are to my bro.

when no one still takes me seriously

(just because im 18 now and still run around in mall but are able to write this blog (without acknowledging anyone at all))

everyone else - hopefully the whole of malaysia (lol ok that's over exaggerating but what)

would be proud

of me. Michelle Kang _lol_ as a malaysian

and infact

be impressed.

and that is when i'll stop being jealous of my brother.

-that is all

 Gnight nobody 

 xx

michelle kang, over & out!

Blogger? what's that? do people still do that?

hah, kiddin.

but. truth is.



People don't blog anymore.

because simply, it's a classic thing man/not mainstream enough these days.

plus, it's a childhood thing u know.

i mean, at least... a 13-14 years old thing?




People change, Things change, and also,

 eventually they'll get outdated and boring.

someday.

like gameboys, barbiedolls and facebook etc.


Life goes on!





So here marks the end of this blog.

and also, beginning of a new chapter of this interesting adulthood.

(where blogspot is no longer needed)

- thankyou so much blogspot, for giving me a place to let go of my feelings when i was younger then.

it's been a great fun, looking back at my old posts and laugh

Sincerely

micpossiblykang, 

over and out. 

xx

Bye fans, if there's one reading now. (which is highly unlikely possible)

Don't miss me yall,

cause i won't. :)

tough tough life

" don't behave the same way because simply you can do better"

it's just so hard to not behave the same when it comes to injustice you know.

When being treated unfairly, can u just shut up and not say anything? when people punch you in your face because you've got an ugly face, can u just walk away and pretend that nothing had happened? or when you constantly get blamed on everything when you're just doing your part of house chores while your brother and sisters did none of it and still get the credits. Can u just keep quiet and continue doing it? When people backstab you for no reason at all, can you just stay low and let them be?

When it's totally not your fault at all but you get all the blames, and the worst part of this is that you have to resist your cursing, swearing, foul words that u really want to spit it out. just because you want to be better. simply because you know yourself that you are better.

Maybe sometimes this is just your life. you've gotta admit it and drop it. Do your part and forget everything else. In another way of phrasing it is that walk away from these fights/quarells. Pretend that it's nothing even when people just shove it up in front of your face.

Be a coward, a goodie girl. even when everyone else are against you. Walk away and let them be?

sigh. sometimes i just hope that i'm not better so i can do whatever i want.
Curse all i want, but i just can't. because i'm a christian and i can do better than this.

and guess this is what makes life tough huh?

imperfectness disgust me

I don't know if it's right to feel this way.

but i feel like i'm just not good enough

Look at them man, so much different than us.
they're so much better, so much responsible, and so much more of everythin.
Look at me, i'm just a piece of over-confident mess-ed up person.

Sometimes i just wanna stop myself from growing up.
things are so much better when we're kids
so much simpler, happier and naive.

July

this month, july
it's just not the same me anymore
It will never stay the same.

How influencing some words can be huh?
all i want to do is this one thing.
I just want to prove them. that i CAN.
i really can.

is it that hard?
Is it wrong to be confident?
is it wrong that i believe everything is possible?
is it wrong to insist on something i want?
is all these defined as an arrogant person?

i just want what i want, i DO listen to others.
i just don't like to limit myself or
listen to what people say especially when they say "impossible" or "can't be done"
so is all these defined as arrogant? or "chuan"?


How can i live to not please others but at the same time change to be a better person.
what does it takes to be a 'better' person?
Changing to a better person, means pleasing people isn't it?
it's so hard to live sometimes.
People will just keep judgin and judging and they'll never stop.
What happened to 'no one is perfect'?

See? so many doubts now.
i guess i just can't be the same old confident me anymore.

A mystique post

Maybe i do tend to be hard on myself, especially on things like this..
But turns out, we did a fine job.
Not very good but it was our best.
can't describe how much i'm proud of them and also partly guilty that i literally almost gave up.. :(

Definitely something i would never do again next time..
#likeascout

confidence no more.

I always thought that everything can be done when i want it to be done,but this time i failed. People would probably say all this are just some pussy crying for some pussy thing. and honestly, it's just a small thing.
but yet a SIMPLE thing, i can't do it well.

If she's not a great leader, what does that makes me? I'm doing my part, but not good enough. Never felt this disapointed on myself before, basically because i never failed doing anything. For those who know me, i'm that kind of person that believe anything is possible. If you just put your heart into that "anything" and practice makes perfect.

It doesn't.

and i don't like people telling me what i can't do, so i would prove them wrong. but this time, i didn't just failed to do so, but it's even worse than i expected. At time like this, i just felt like quitting. Hoping i fall sick and fell down or whatsoever so i'm unable to continue this fucking thing

Guess things just doesn't work like this. we still have got to put up this show. For now, I can't believe i have to say that, i failed and i don't know if we can make it. You can call me kia su, but yeah. i can't accept failure. i don't know if i can come back up again just like i use to last time. the last time i post something in this blog.

They're right. we suck and that's it.